Jack Palance kisses mice.
Teri Hatcher plays drums.
Just two of the many remarkable things we’ve discovered in Tango & Cash… At this stage in Sylvester Stallones career, which featured the critical and financial nightmaresRocky V, OscarandStop!
Or My Mom Will Shoot, Tango & Cashwas a comparative blockbuster.
In terms of critical reception, though,Tango & Cashfared less well.
Of all its contemporary reviews, the Chicago Tribunes summed the film up most eloquently.
It is, in fact, really weird.
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Daves right, too.Tango & Cashis really, really weird.
Remarkably so, in fact… Good old American action.
And when said action occurs, Stallone gives his character an unexpected tic: he starts talking really quickly.
This is demonstrated in an opening sequence in which hes heroically chasing after a truck full of drugs.
Icanhandlethismyself, Tango blurts out over the police radio.
When a voice advises him to wait for back-up, he replies, DropdeadIvebeenonthiscaseforthreemonths.
Except inTango & Cash,the scene doesnt appear to be played for laughs.
After weve met Tango, were introduced to Lieutenant Gabriel Cash.
Anyway, back to the point of this section: every major plot point is related via newspaper clipping.
There are actually five newspaper clippings within the first half an hour alone.
Below, weve posted one of our favourites for your perusal.
Either that, or its some sort of test to see whether the audience is really paying attention.
Hes done it to us again.
If it isnt Tango, its Cash.
Tango and Cash, Perret mutters absent-mindedly to his henchmen as yet another drug supply is impounded.
Before long, hes off on one of his rambles again.
He tangos in, takes all my drugs, then tangos back out again.
perhaps followed by a cackle would be more than enough to get their point across.
Not for Perret, though.
Its sitting on his desk, ready for his demonstration.
Oh God, Uncle Perrets made another one of his dioramas, a henchman probably says to himself.
Time to die…!)
to,erm,Walker, Texas Ranger.
Fortunately, Jack Palance is on hand to provide a more eloquent villain as a counterpoint.
Who the hell are you?
Cash asks when Palances evil Perret is seen lurking in the shadows at the films mid-point.
Just think of me as someone who… doesnt like you very much, Perret says.
Well, we thought it was remarkable.
Dancing, cool music, retro eroticism and, erm,Donkey Kongacollide in a classic action movie moment.
What he says next is truly toe-curling:
Is this the way you screen all your guests?
Hes pinned under a screen, so hes being screened.
Although the pun above is a definite standout, the script in general is surprisingly awkward.
Could it be that you were toobusycountingthemoneyyou receivedforsettingusup?
At other times, the one-liners dont sound so much like off-the-cuff jokes as slightly seedy pick-up lines.
Do you like jewellery?
Later, Tango says to Cash, If you dont want to get sticky, get back.
Taken out of context, this sounds quite disgusting.
Tango doesnt have the monopoly on suggestive dialogue, either.
Hey, Gabe, Owen asks with a twinkle in his eye, do you need a special weapon?
He probably thinks hes watching a rerun ofMaximum Overdrive.
Then Tango and Cash smash into his fortified warehouse, and Perret stops giggling.
Is this something all entrepreneurs do when they start a new business?
Can you buy self-destruct systems from Staples, along with office chairs and filing cabinets?
At least Tangos on hand to provide a witty one-liner.
Remarkably, Cash doesnt then ask Tango what in Gods name hes talking about.
First, theres the relationship between Tango and his younger sister.
Instead, he sort of hangs around, murmuring and rubbing his eyes.
The more we think about it, the more unsettling we find this.
Dont worry, Cash.
Someday the other onell drop, Tango says.
), its tantamount to an admission of jealousy.
Its an RV from hell!
he enthuses like a randy teenager.
Care to join me?
The pair clearly love each other, yet it takes Katherine to get them together.
Why dont you guys just admit that you work well together?
she asks as the pair bicker again in the final scene.
This, inarguably, is Hollywood code for, For Gods sake, get a room.
Viewed like this,Tango & Cashis possibly the most wryly funny movie Sylvester Stallone ever made.
More code, perhaps, for Yes, humble film critic, it was meant to be ridiculous.
It is, in fact, really weird.
