Michael Caine described it as one of his worst films.
Then along came 1978sThe Swarm,and Allens fortunes took a bit of a nose-dive.
So what went so bizarrely wrong withThe Swarm?
The owner of that van, he thinks, may be the culprit behind this senseless crime.
And then the subject of the next entry shows up, and all bets are off.
In fact, Caines character, Doctor Bradford Crane, is a bit of an enigma throughout.
Who the hell are you?
a soldier quite reasonably asks of this mysterious figure.
Or Maybe hes just channelling the discomfort of wearing that restrictive turtleneck sweater into his acting.
Weve been fighting a losing battle against the insects for 15 years, Dr Crane insists.
But I never thought Id see the final face-off in my lifetime.
And I never thought it would be the bees.
Theyve always been our friends!
The film begins with General Slater coming in on a helicopter.
It ends with Dr Crane riding around in a helicopter.
And one of the most memorable and hilarious scenes inThe Swarminvolves helicopters.
What follows is pure cinematic brilliance.
Pilot:Oh my God!
Bees, bees, millions of bees!
Air Search 28 to base millions of bees!
General Slater:Bees?
Theyre all around me now, all over the canopy, trying to get in!
General Slater:Well, get above them, man!
Pilot:Wah, I cant sir!
[The helicopter crashes]
General Slater:Good Lord.
For one thing, the actors who play Pauls parents are like robots.
I am hungry, the father says, with all the humanity of a Dalek.
Paul, would you go to the car and fetch the Thermos?
the mother asks, both looking and sounding like an escaped project fromThe Stepford Wives.
Its also fair to say that Irwin Allen makes some unfortunate editorial decisions in this sequence.
(You could even say it ruins our suspension of dis-bee-leaf.
You could, but we wouldnt.)
Theoretically, this should look quite scary, especially when the image is projected on a gigantic cinema screen.
Unfortunately, it all goes a bit wrong, and the bees mount a counter attack.
At 156 minutes, The Swarm is a punishingly long film.
But between their prayers, they watched the weather.
My God, Brad, what good is all that science?
What these bees did here, they could do again.
Just like they knocked your two choppers down.
While youre about it, could I have my leather pouch, kindly?
The one with the sunflower seeds in it.
Oh, and remember the young Paul from earlier on?
We told you he was having a bad day.
As it turns out, things were just as harsh behind the scenes.
Its quite likely this yellow substance wasnt honey, but faeces.
Weve now made it through more than two hours of death, disaster and ill-advised schemes.
And thus, Mother Nature, that terrifying force of evil, is soundly defeated.
As ever, Caine could take comfort in three things.
Two, that his performance is the life and soul of this overblown film.
And three, and thatThe Swarmwasnt the only gloriously terrible killer bee movie released that very same year…
