Its unlikely, though, thatSanta Claus Conquers The Martiansis anywhere on that particular festive list.

Their hands rest on their knees.

They sit bolt upright.

They do not blink.

Girmar, what is tender loving care?

), the penny drops: theyre meant to be Martians.

It stars Pia Zadora

Younger readers may never have heard of Pia Zadora.

Thats her, playing Girmar opposite Chris Months equally transfixed Bomar.

Santa Clausdoes a not dissimilar thing.

Theres a handsome black chair and matching footstool, all swooping lines and narrow feet.

Theres a pleasingly simple round table in contrasting white.

So where can we purchase these quality items?

At one point, a TV announcer even proclaims, For Martian furniture, Fritz of Mars!

WhatConquers The Martiansdoesnt have, of course, is beautiful animation, sprightly music and pitch-perfect humour.

But it does have some stunning posh furniture, which is something every Christmas movie needs.

Unfortunately, the films poverty-row finances meant that the bear looked like a walking, furry doormat.

As you might see from the image above, the poor little tykes are terrified out of their minds.

Who let you in here?

Santa (John Call) exclaims from beneath his clip-on beard.

Youre the biggest toy Ive ever seen.

And very well made, too…

At this point, Torg mysteriously breaks down.

Or maybe the actor inside the suit falls asleep were not sure.

None of this would have happened if Liam Neeson was of a fighting age in the 1960s.

They just watch Earth programmes on the video!

They must learn what it means to have fun.

We need a Santa Claus on Mars!

Its a stunning performance.

For grandstanding speeches, the movie truly belongs to the villainous Voldar.

I dont want Santa Claus coming and bringing games.

The children will start laughing and being a nuisance!)

Voldars finest moment, though, is this following speech.

Eat your heart out, George R R Martin.

What has happened to the great warriors of our planet?

Mars used to be the planet of war!

Mark my words, Kimar, your softness will destroy us.

But paying close attention to the crackly dialogue reveals worse parenting crimes still.

For one thing, children are fed pills instead of proper dinners.

Ive bought some new food pills gushes Kimars wife.

We have hamburger, buttered asparagus, mashed potatoes, and chocolate layer-cake pills.

No wonder the kids never eat anything.

Then theres Kimars rather troubling tactic of getting his children to sleep at night.

And we thought the Martians inWar Of The Worldswere evil.

As weve already seen, he sees a huge robot and assumes its a toy.

Elsewhere in the film, he refers to one of his reindeer as Nixon.

And like that poof.