15 movie sex and bedroom scenes that might just put you off

Want a bunch of films to put you off sex and bedrooms?

NOTE: Were leaving the nasty films out of the list.

To be included, every scene depicted had to be consensual.

Rightly so, too.

Its perhaps inevitable that theres a coldness, though, to the blue scene from theAvatar: Extended Edition.

And not a sexy one, either.

Some choose fairly crude terminology, granted, in a bid to turn up the excitement.

Others choose to sugar coat it all in sweet, romantic ways.

And some just get on with it.

Its a valuable lesson that the movies teach us here, friends.

Science is a fascinating subject, but there are moments in life when it doesnt serve you well.

Its a funny movie.

But theres not a sensual moment on the planet that it couldnt knock the eroticism out of.

And, on a practical level, Woodys glasses might hurt on the way out.

THE CRYING GAME

In my time, Ive always struggled with the weekly shopping.

The Crying Game, then.

And when someones trying to slow you down, there might be a reason for it.

It also teaches us that surprise is important in any relationship, but risky.

Just a suggestion to bear in mind.

It just saves a mildly startled conversation happening.

As such, if youre thinking of getting a bit of horizontal refreshment, wed always recommend safe sex.

And one of the centrepiece sequences is where Jennifer Tillys Tiffany gets ready to consummate her relationship with Chucky.

The thought of having a sheet-shaking moment with Chucky in itself is a tad concerning.

But the romantic build-up talk is hardly the sort to get you in the mood.

Have you got a rubber?, enquires Tiffany.

Have I got a rubber?, says Chucky, aghast.

Tiff, look at me!

There are reasons that question shouldnt asked in the middle of a bedroom scene.

When the tone has been wonderfully set, when the couple are snuggled and dearly in love.

When your heart is melting for them, and youre at your most vulnerable.

A long time ago, when I was at school, and I wasnt alone…, Amy begins.

Five seconds later, John has worked out the dangers of pillow talk.

Even stranger, its from Bobcat Goldthwait, the helmer ofWorlds Greatest Dad.

You could pick almost any film from his lengthy career and find some sort of gag-inducing moment of intimacy.

Only David Cronenberg could make an orgy look so disturbing.

Yet there is a real gift to this kind of talk.

Predictably, the movies offer practical suggestions as to what not to do.

And here, friends, is the richly-celebrated movieGigli, doing just that.

More to the point,hearingyour parents.

Most people I speak to, however, fear whats perfectly demonstrated inSerial Mom.

A showing in New Jersey even had to be cut short after a bomb threat.

Last Tangoshould have also won an award for the least sexiest movie about sex yet made, though.

Later, Veronica has a nightmare in which she gives birth to a huge maggot.

IfThe Flydoesnt at least put you off the idea of childbirth, then nothing will.

It must have been a tricky crossroads for the one-time Agent Cooper.

Or do you draw to the lady in questions attention that she might just need some medical attention.

He simply settled back and thought of England.

Worryingly, the randy creatures carrot isnt on his face in this sequence.

Quite how cyberspace grants Fahey with such intelligence is never explained.

The filmmakers didnt just leave it at a suggestion, though.

For the record, Im noHoward The Duckhater.

But it taught cinema a valuable lesson: a quick quack is not romantic.

And cinema has heeded its warnings.We wrote about it in more detail here.