Joe: Retaliation stack up in the eyes of a true G.I.
We comic Geeks see the world differently.
Our brains are wired in nine panel grids, bursting with Krackling Kirby energy.
We are discerning and always, always looking for a good story.
So welcome to the column that will filter movies Through the Comic Book Brain.
With the release ofG.I.
Joe: Rise of Cobrain 2009, Joe fans everywhere ALMOST got the movie they wanted.
The characters looked right and the overall concept was there, but something was off.
It was like the filmmakers decided they would rather makeStar WarsthanG.I.
Joeand decided everything needed to look futuristic.
Joe was supposed to be.
With an ensemble cast, its important to look at each Joe and Cobra that gets the spotlight.
When seen next to normal sized humans, it stands out just what a freakin tank Johnson is.
The Rock carries this film as he is everything a Joe should be.
He sells a wonderful form of one dimensional patriotism that can only exist in a G.I.
His convictions and motivations are paper thin, but he sells the heck out of them.
Joe fans will buy him as Roadblock as he utilizes a variety of impossibly huge weapons.
When he hits someone, they stay hit.
They even give us one line about Roadblock being a chef.
Replacing Duke as the doe eyed side of beef is Flint.
Awesome, right Joe fans?
Well, actually, Flint does nothing other than make googly eyes at Lady Jaye and the Rock.
For real, he has a serious man crush on the Rock from the films opening to the credits.
He does creepily watch Jayes reflection while she changes her clothes, so theres that to look forward to.
Oh, Warners did you drop the ball on this one.
Palicki is Wonder Woman.
She is a tall drink of ass kick in a classy bag with eyes and skin to die for.
She is the side dish to the side of beef that is the Rock.
She would have filled out Wonder Womans costume and Warners would have had a license to print money.
The filmmakers totally understand Lady Jaye as the script gives her many opportunities to use her covert intelligence expertise.
Ok, the mountain attack you all saw in the previews was the coolest thing ever.
M. Chu made his bones directing dance films likeStep Up 2and he really has a unique eye for action.
This unique vision particularly works or the physics defying ninja Snake -Eyes.
There is lots of old school Larry Hama being channeled in Snake-Eyes arc.
Ah, Jinx, one of the coolest Hasbro figures.
She just came with the best weapons didnt she?
Joe fans sure knew how to play with her, but clearly the filmmakers didnt.
Her entire purpose was to provide exposition in Snake-Eyes scenes because, yknow, he cant.
She just reacts to stuff he does without having her own purpose in the film.
The plot establishes her as a familial relation to Storm Shadow but THIS IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!
Oh, bad form movie, bad form.
Bad luck, Jinx.
See what I did there?
The award for best character arc goes to Storm Shadow!
The accusations drove him right to Cobra and a life of nefarious purpose.
Props to the screenwriters for not giving into temptation and forcing a kung-fu grip joke into the film.
Bruce Willis plays Bruce Willis with his most Bruce Willisiness.
Colton is old, cranky, badass and fun.
There were lots of complaints that the Cobra Commander of the first film was not the classic Cobra Commander.
This one is, with a new, but equally awesome exaggerated voice and no honor or decency whatsoever.
Zartan played by Jonathon Pryce and Arnold Vosloo.
Still no Dreadnoks in sight though.
What can I say but AWESOME!
This is the Firefly fans have always wanted.
How many times did I stage a rescue of Cobra Commander by Firefly and Storm Shadow with my figures?
Sometimes, my wife catches me still staging it (dont tell anyone).
Firefly is an unrepentant killer, the worst of the worst who provides a perfect foil for Roadblock.
The filmmakers spent time to check that Fireflys weapons are memorable and unforgettable.
He was truly the geek squee moment of the film.
So yes, the film had its WTF moments.
This is an unapologetic and chaotic mess of a plot justified by great pacing, casting and pure fun.
This film was like watching a creative eight year old opening his toy box and just going nuts.
Rating:
3 out of 5
