Duncan does not love G.I.
Joe: The Rise Of Cobra.
Settle back for his rant of the year…
This review contains spoilers.
Well, as much as there can be for plotless nonsense.
Some of you might remember that several months ago I wrote a piece entitledHopes and Fears forG.I.
Still, as one reader commented, Quite frankly, I think youll love this movie.
Cause theres no way this movie can be any worse thanVantage Point, and you like Dennis Quaid.
Which means you have an extremely high tolerance for sh*t. Youll be fine for G.I.
And they were right, well, mostly.
I really enjoyedVantage Pointin all its awful glory and so I should have been fine.
The problem is, I really wasnt.
It was a lovely sunny Sunday.
We sat outside a bar drinking and catching up, having a discussion about theG.I.
What followed can only be described a joke that stopped being funny half way through.
Well, err… on the positive side, Said Taghmaoui as Breaker was great.
Some of the performances were quite good too.
Thats it, though.
Now, on to the bad.
For anyone thats ever read a single issue of theG.I.
Joecomics, or cherished the toys as a child, avoid this movie like the plague.
The original story behind Snake Eyes was as follows: he and Storm Shadow served in Vietnam together.
A good story, right?
Compelling, tragic, intriguing and completely bastardised in the film.
InRise Of Cobra, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes are kids.
Everything else is gone.
And in one line my tolerance for the film was destroyed.
That one line destroys the whole point of Snake Eyes.
Why bother making him look the same as he did in the comics if you dont follow it up?
Does that mean that Sommers just thought he wears the mask for kicks?
Spoilersahead…
You want more?
Oh, and the fear I had about Destro being disfigured for wear the mask is right there.
Its right there in the comic, all you had to do was copy it.
Yet someone decided it was a good idea to have another go at it.
So why in the hell Sommers even tried is beyond me.
So, rushed and unfinished, then.
Sommers also reveals that his G.I.
Its fetishism, not feminism.
Under no circumstances should this movie be watched sober or alone.
Even the mighty Quaid couldnt be bothered to make an effort, so neither should you.
Oh, and, for the record, Marlon Wayans is indescribably terrible.
Film:
Rating:
1 out of 5
