Have you ever watched Hellraiser and thought it was purely a love story between Julia and Frank?
Jenny has…
First things first.
When I say this is a touching love story, I mean touching as in poignant.
Not that kind of touching, although there is some of that too.
Also, I think its wise to have actually seenHellraiserbefore reading the following.
I wont be explaining the plot much, Im not your mother.
On to the movie.
I dont think anyone loves the idea of going to hell.
Its much more convenient to have hell come to you, like a pizza.
But there is more toHellraiserthan hell.
Okay, its a bit about hell, but its more about two people and their One True LoveTM.
With a slight PG edit, it would fit nicely on Lifetime or somewhere similarly awful.
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Meet Julia and Frank…
The one on the left is Julia.
Julia, in case you didnt know, is a hell version of Public Access TV starSondra Prill.
Anyone with such robust shoulder pads deserves true love, right?
Why we should feel sorry for Julia at this point:
1.
Trapped in a loveless boring marriage with the boring… Ive forgotten his name.
Her One True LoveTM , Frank, accidentally died so they cant have an affair anymore.
She misses Frank and all the sex they used to have.
Note that this is the first time shes ever met Frank, and within ten seconds theyre having sex.
I hate men who do that.
I think this used to be Franks house.
This may or may not be relevant later.
She even allows boring Larrys eyebrow-ridden daughter, Kirsty, to stay.
You know what Id have done?
Id have made Kirsty sleep in the shed with the ladders.
This also makes a bunch of goths appear.
Theyre not important, so well skip their antics.
What does all this have to do with our doomed love affair?
Pretty sure I looked like this.
This next bit, then, backs up my entire theory.
Julia still loves Frank, despite him now being a skinless hell demon.
What they dont have phones in hell?
stuff, and to start being completely at ease with Franks makeover.
That is True LoveTM right there.
You know what else proves that Julia loves Frank?
Admittedly, she might just like murdering people.
Incidentally, she picks up her first victim at a supermarket deli counter.
But my point still stands.
But he loves her now, because he needs her to kill people for him.
This should not be questioned, its just how True LoveTM works.
Lets not forget, shes currently trapped her boring marriage with boring Larry.
This is causing her all sorts of health problems, such as insomnia and piles (probably).
Whatever, she wants to foil them.
Also, Kirsty really hates homeless people.
We know this because she follows them around, scowling at them.
So thats that cleared up.
Eyebrow Kirsty somehow gets hold of the box (or maybe she had it all along.
Who am I, theHellraiserpolice?)
and threatens to throw it out of the window.
Because this will somehow manage to banish all the evil for good.
Well stay on topic with the Julia and Frank love story.
Frank kills boring Larry (I missed where, I was on Twitter) and nicks his skin.
you could tell its Frank because he tries to have sex with Kirsty.
This bit brings the goths from earlier back to show off their piercings.
They then proceed to show off by taking Frank back to hell.
But noooo, they have to pierce his arms and knob and stuff, just to show off.
Thus Julia and Franks One True LoveTM is scuppered for the time being.
I cried when this bit happened.
I did the same when I watchedLove Actually, but for different reasons.
Things move on inHellraiser 2, but Im not here to talk aboutHellraiser 2.
