Daniel Craigs fourth or Roger Moores eighth?
The former of course but you get the point.
Desert lairs, endless car chases, free-wheelin helicopters and indestructible airplanes are all very much back in vogue.
There isnt a plot: more a succession of scenes stitched together.
And it still cant manage a decent finale!
Fun but ultimately frivolous.
Now who does that remind me of?
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The Villain:Its Blofeld!
Oh wait, youre saying it isnt?
Wasnt that Bonds old ski instructor?
And hes the villain of the new film.
Are you sure he isnt Blofeld?
Im mean, he played by legendary baddie Christoph Waltz.
And the films namedSpectre.
No, definitely Oberhauser you insist.
Okay, maybe its an origins thing.
So who is Blofeld then?
You know, Blofeld: the head of Spectre.
Spectre as in the name of your film.
Nobody is Blofeld, you say?
Going by the title that seems unlikely.
Is it Andrew Scott?
You havent tried to be all post-modern and cast Monica Bellucci?
Youre not saying, lips are sealed.
Okay, lets wait and see.
This should be good…oh look, it was Waltz all the long.
And Blofeld and Bond are now foster brothers.
Of course they are.
The Girl:Clever, disdainful and French; could Madeleine Swann possibly remind Bond of a certain someone?
Lea Seydoux is suitably alluring but Madeleine never works as well as I feel she should.
Its not for lacking of trying: she has more biography than any heroine sinceOctopussy.
Yet she never quite takes off as a character.
Heavy on detail, light on personality.
The dead are alive indeed.
Great to see you again though.
And you as well.
Much of this retro is criticism so lets be clear from the outset: I thoroughly enjoyedSpectre.
Which is certainly what James Bond is, and arguably cinema as a whole.
That being said, its a massively flawed film.
Some awarded it five stars, but I dont get that at all.
For me its a nailed on three twinkle-twinkles; four I could understand, likewise two.
Pass it to the left-hand side, people.
The opening tracking shot is probably the most accomplished piece of filmmaking of the entire series.
Its certainly the flashiest.
Much of the film can be read in this sequence.
Those Mexicans love to party).
Bond displays an alarming disregard for civilian casualties.
How many died in the tower block, I wonder.
Also, why does Bond repeatedly attack the pilot and risk crashing into a packed square?
Sam Smiths theme is a grower.
Kudos to the most ridiculously OTT animation yet.
If the next one doesnt feature a giant inky octopus I shall be sorely disappointed.
Squid is also acceptable.
Any mollusc, basically doesnt even have to be marine.
Hopefully the animators like a challenge and opt for a snail.
Ben Whishaws Q is unquestionably the star of the show.
Replacing Desmond Llewelyn seemed an impossible task.
John Cleese tried, and John Cleese failed.
Reincarnating Q was inevitable; a successful reincarnation was anything but.
Thank God for the tremendous idea to transform the older Q into a young geek.
And thank God for Whishaw, his two cats and his cup of Earl Grey.
Provided the actor is willing he should never be recast.
James Bond isnt an ensemble gig.
Dead Ms video raises more questions than answers.
Oh well, lets assume she had her reasons.
Best not to think to hard aboutSpectre.
Youll have more fun that way.
And theres certainly fun to be had.
Craigs Bond has relaxed almost to the point of playfulness.
The lightness of touch isnt quite Roger Moore-esque but certainly enters Pierce Brosnan territory.
Since this contentment cant last (I fear for Madeleine) enjoy it while you’re able to.
Initially SPECTRE itself looks promising.
By treating a ridiculous concept seriously the film makes it work.
The problem with QUANTUM was nobody believed in it, not least the writers.
The organisation was kept hidden, as though its very existence was a source of embarrassment.
Our early encounter with SPECTRE long table, suited criminals, dead henchman does much to establish it.
Annoyingly SPECTRE then vanishes, only reappearing in that strange hodgepodge of a desert lair.
Car chase: fun but overlong.
The switches are a great running gag especially Frank Sinatra but we could certainly cope with less vroom.
The whole soundtrack is big and bombastic, just like it should be.
Hello again Mr White.
Time hasnt been kind Im afraid.
Mr Whites final hour is his finest, offering information on SPECTRE in exchange for his daughters protection.
Bond girls, then.
Or really just girl since the much-hyped Monica Bellucci is basically a glorified cameo.
Although its a shame this fine actress disappears so quickly, there isnt really space for her.
Anyway, she carves out her own niche of Bondian history by virtue of being 50.
This tactic creates intrigue, occasionally suspense, but personally I think the cons outweigh the pros.
Villains seen only through Bonds eyes are unavoidably undernourished.
Silva got away with it but Blofeld suffers badly.
Madeleine Swann is a beautiful cipher.
The line about doing crazy things when I drink is one of the few moments Madeleine feels human.
Put it this way: can you imagine having a conversation with her?
Not because she is dull; she just doesnt seem real enough to talk to.
Writing a convincing Bond girl is arguably the hardest task of all.
Fair play to theSpectrescribes: they certainly give it a go.
But that Vesper Lynd ghost isnt banished yet.
For Craig, she never will be.
Mr. Hinx is fine, in a hulking kind of way.
His swift detachment from SPECTRE and the narrative as a whole slightly undermines the character.
Is Hinx directly following Blofelds orders by attempting to kill Bond?
Youd almost think the writers were making it up as they went along.
David Bautista boasts considerable screen presence, and a physical rival to Craig is long overdue.
The train fight is great when did Bond last endure such a beating?
(Serious question… maybe Stamper inTomorrow Never Dies?)
Where does Hinx come from?
Why does nobody stop the train?
What about the fellow passengers?
Thats easy: they clearly legged it.
The secondary villain is Max Denbigh.
Now I loved the reimagined Moriarty so Andrew Scott is always a welcome presence on my screen.
Is he a curdled idealist or a wrong un from the start?
Really Denbeigh should be the primary antagonist, the Spectre Largo if you will.
But in truth he is little more than a plot contrivance, somebody to threaten M from the inside.
Onto John Franz Ernst.
Heres a tip: if you want Blofelds return to be a surprise, dont call the filmSpectre.
Short of calling the thing Blofeld the title couldnt be more of a spoiler.
Why not let Craig serve out his tenure and save the organisation for a younger Bond?
No, lets blow the load right away.
So what if Craig is off after the next film?
Lets pretend hes been fighting SPECTRE the entire time.
Lets say everybody was really in SPECTRE: Le Chiffre, Mr White, Silva, the whole lot.
What about QUANTUM didnt Craig already have his own evil organisation to fight?
Yes but we totally screwed that up back in 2008.
Sod it, QUANTUM can be in SPECTRE too.
Like a branch, or rather a tentacle.
SPECTRE is the central management to QUANTUMs Wernham Hogg.
Missed out some pretty key info though, didnt you, Dominic?
Like its actual name.
Or the fact its run by Bonds estranged foster brother.
The retconning is stupid at best, unforgivably lazy at worst.
The film manages the impressive feat of making double-Oscar winner Christoph Waltzs role feel anti-climactic.
Why oh why the secrecy?Star Trek Into Darknesspulled the same trick two years earlier.
Hes not Khan, hes not Khan oh wait, actually hes Khan.
And of course it fell flat on its face.
At leastStar Trekdidnt name the filmThe Wrath Of Khanand play innocent.
Fans know the series just regained the rights to Blofeld.
You cant fool them.
And the casual viewer?
So really, what on Earth is the point?
He isnt Moriarty or the Joker, the ultimate nemesis always coming back for more.
He only really worked as a faceless mastermind, pulling the strings yet detached from the main action.
Unfortunately the iconic portrayal Donald Pleasence is comfortably the most ludicrous, played for laughs ever since Dr.
Introducing the Blofeld of cultural legend white cat, big scar, short, bald would be utterly unworkable.
So insteadSpectrefudges; a glimpse of a cat, a belated scar.
I wish the writers had totally reinterpreted the character a la Heath Ledgers Joker.
A young, handsome Blofeld, say, an ice cold sadist with big dreams.
But not Andrew Scott (too Moriarty) or Monica Bellucci (gimmickry).
Or, shockingly, you could just tell the truth.
Yeah, Waltz is playing Blofeld how great is that!
I dont buy it for one moment.
Hes just…Waltz.
Just as he was Waltz inDjango Unchainedand Waltz inInglorious Basterds.
In fairness he does good Waltz.
But I never saw past the actor, never saw Waltz and thought Blofeld!
Partly blame this on the stupid Oberhauser farrango.
But you know what?
His mannerisms are inconsistent.
Is this Blofeld a genius?
All three, presumably, but it never felt plausible.
Take the torture scene.
Craig does his part, palpably horrified by the ordeal.
But Waltz flits from enjoyment to boredom to bloodlust, never settling on a satisfactory tone.
You couldnt accuse the double-Oscar winner of slumming it, quite, but neither is Waltz exactly powerhouse.
He isnt terrible, of course not.
And thats the annoyance.
He should be so much more.
Very nice of Blofeld to allow Bond and Madeleine a brief tete-a-tete mid-torture.
And do those guards have their eyes closed?
How could you miss the watch handover?
We all know the subsequent escape is ridiculous so I wont bang on about it.
Ive seen more realistic shootouts on arcade games.
A couple of bullets and BOOM goes the lair.
Speaking of lairs hasnt the accommodation gone downhill since the days ofDr.
Bond and Madeleine are locked in what comes off as a motel room.
Did SPECTRE blow the budget on all those computers?
The whole base is rather underwhelming; it looks more like brewery than a launchpad for world domination.
And the film is remarkably reluctant to show us around.
We get a sort-of lair, an evil organization shorn of any trimmings, a meglomaniac with no masterplan.
But a crucial aspect has been overlooked; worse, counteracted.
SPECTRE worked inFrom Russia With LoveandThunderballbecause of its visibility, because those films showed as much as possible.
Ultimately its not the plan, or the lair, but the members themselves.
YetSpectreforgets this; it hides the members in the shadows.
Cant beLicence To Kill, can it?
The infuriating thing aboutSpectre?
Mendes deserves great credit but his record in the final act is not good.
More damningly, the problems and potential improvements are obvious.
Ive not mentioned Nine Eyes because I barely understand it and anyway, why bother?
We all know its rubbish.
Couldnt Bond have thwarted a plan to blow up Cape Town?
You know, a devastating attack to force South Africa to join the connection thing?
Dont think Bonds ever been to Cape Town, either two birds, one stone!
Twice now Mendes and his team construct a fine three-quarters of a film yet stumble on the last furlong.
At leastSkyfallwas an interesting stumble there.
So Blofeld survives and turns the MI6 building into a warped playpen.
And Q fiddles around with a laptop and saves the day.
(In the next film will Waltz suddenly develop alopecia?)
You guys can point out all the flaws I havent the energy but two cheats are unforgivable.
The MI6 building is massive yet he covers every floor in two and a half minutes?
What did he do, teleport?
Secondly, nobody is allowed to shoot down a helicopter with a gun.
What does he even hit?
Rather damningly, after two and a half hoursSpectrefeels like an incomplete film.
It tries very hard to provide closure.
Only Blofeld remains alive, SPECTRE largely unexplored, and theres one more film on Craigs contract.
Neither, really, does James Bond.
AndQuantum(essentially a sequel) fails worse thanSpectre(more of a shameless retcon).
These are not helpful conditions for a successful multi-film narrative.
Audiences should leave a Bond film satisfied; not asking what happens next?
This retrospective (retro-spectre-ive?
Eesh) is nearly as long as the bloody film.
Rather like the series in fact.
Perhaps only after Craig takes his final bow can true judgement be passed.
And that wont be for at least another film, I all but guarantee it.
Quite possibly another couple.
His has been a thrilling tenure and, make not mistake, well miss him when hes gone.
Best bit:The opening is spectacular but the SPECTRE meeting is even better; eerie and almost magical.
Worst bit:The girl or your life, Bond?
Or both if you run really fast.
Final Thought:Why does Bond address Blofeld as Blofeld despite knowing him as Franz Oberhauser his entire life?
He literally heard the name Blofeld once!
Surely it would make oh why bother.
Next time:Get on your tuxedo, pour yourself a martini its the Boscars!
A not remotely arbitrary celebration of 24 films (and arguablyNever Say Never Again).
