Sean Connery stars in Thunderball, the fourth James Bond movie.
And what did you go and do?
And once underwater you drown.
The Villain:Not quite a great, but certainly effective.
If you were assembling an identikit Bond villain youd probably end up with Emilio Largo.
He wears an eye-patch.
He talks courteously with Bond while plotting how to kill him.
Unfortunately after four films such traits arent exactly trailblazing.
His relationship with Domino is the genuinely original aspect of the character.
The Girl:The first girl to be given a genuine backstory, Domino is an atypically complex creation.
She is kept in a gilded cage by Largo, a man she once loved and now fears.
Domino flirts with Bond, uses Bond but never obviously falls for Bond.
Indeed she only shows strong affection when speaking of her brother.
One of the few Bond girls you could accurately describe as enigmatic is she very shallow or very self-possessed?
Slightly overshadowed by the terrific Fiona Volpe.
So lets enjoy a pre-credits sequence set entirely on dry land.
What gives Colonel Boiter away?
The fact that Mrs Boiter opens a car door by herself.
Anyway, a fight to the death ensues and Bond strangles Boiter with a poker.
All good, wholesome fun.
He then runs into the chateau courtyard, grabs a jetpack and literally flies to the Aston Martin.
are best left unasked.
Amazingly, the jetpack was operational and piloted onscreen by a guy named Bill Suitor.
Rather him than me.
Anyway, theGoldfingerethos of spectacle over credibility is amplified in the first five minutes.
Whether or not this is a good move is entirely subjective.
Certainly the sequence would be less memorable if Bond simply escaped on foot.
I fear this is another of those scenes impossible to take entirely seriously post-Austin Powers.
(I keep waiting for Number 9s agonised wails.
Im still alive but Im very badly burnt!)
Which raises two questions: firstly, why is his voice considerably higher than inFrom Russia With Love?
And what the hell was wrong with Pohlmanns hands?
Bond breaks into Lippes hotel room.
Lippe accelerates Bonds traction table.
Bond locks Lippe in a steam bath cabinet.
Lippe steals Bonds new penknife… (Although a slingshot could barely be less effective.)
He is promptly exploded by Fiona Volpe, and it serves him right.
Largo sends Lippe to hang out at a health spa near a NATO base.
Lippe has recruited this guy called Angelo to have extensive plastic surgery so he resembles NATO pilot Francis Derval.
The heist is the films first extended underwater sequence.
It wont be the last.
Lippe then leaves Angelo to drown because the silly sod demanded more money.
Blofeld orders Lippes assassination for hiring Angelo in the first place and generally being a bit of a div.
Why is underwater bomb heist over five minutes long?
And soundtracked by music that quickly lulls you into slumber?
Der ner na, ner ner, ner ner, ner na na.
Oh yes Doctor Fearing.
The hot physiotherapist assigned to nurse Bond back to health.
Within five minutes Bond has blackmailed poor Patricia into some naked sauna fun.
Is the good doctor keen?
But no worries another problematic situation is defused simply by being Bond.
Sexual prowess conquers all.
Next scene shes practically purring as 007 supplies a mink glove massage.
M is very much on form.
A lovely line that shows the trust between the pair, no matter how frayed their relations might become.
There follows a wonderfully awkward moment when M overhears Moneypenny refer to him as the old man.
Moneypenny looks mortified; Bond pulls the classic schoolboy trick of pretending to search for his hat.
Possibly Bernard Lees finest hour.
And so at last we reach the Bahamas over 40 minutes into the film.
Compare the pacing to the preceding three instalments.Dr.
Nogets Bond to Jamaica within 15 minutes, whereasFrom Russia…reaches Istanbul in under 25.
If someone sits down at this point inThunderballand asks what have I missed?
the honest answer is Not a lot.
Fortunately things start to perk up.
More swimming or rather snorkelling.
Domino gets her foot trapped in a reef.
Doesnt the coral look nice?
Lets count some fish.
As if making up for lost time, Bond meets Domino then Largo in quick succession.
The latter is a classic encounter across the card table.
They play baccarat a game with a rich Bond history.
The rules are simple: both players turn over their cards and Bond wins.
These rules remain consistent throughout numerous films.
By far the strongest aspect ofThunderballis the three protagonists and the relationships between them.
Certainly it is the most personal.
Outwardly civil, the pair trade subtle barbs to show each has the other pegged.
Such sparring, while highly enjoyable, is hardly unique toThunderball.
The two men vie over Domino yet each uses her against the other.
Bond provokes Largo by blatantly hitting on Domino in front of him.
Not rising, Largo flaunts his control over his mistress by essentially letting Bond have free reign.
Bond photographs Largos yacht underwater.
Largo chucks grenades into the sea.
Bonds wooing of Domino is aggressively forward.
From their first meeting he makes clear his intentions; by the second hes actively propositioning her.
Flirting is too coy a term relentless pursuit fits better.
He uses Largos orchestration of her brothers death to get Domino totally onside; a cold but necessary move.
Anyway, the manipulation is reciprocal.
Domino uses Bond: initially as a distraction from Largo, later as an escape from him.
She demands Bond avenge her brother and kill Largo for me.
Theirs is a relationship founded on mutual benefit, helped by a shared attraction.
Romance never enters the equation.
One scene does puzzle me.
Meeting in the Pacific Ocean, it is clearly implied Bond and Domino have sex where else underwater.
But what exactly are the logistics?
Theyre wearing full scuba kit: oxygen tank, goggles, flippers for heavens sake!
Bond and Largos animosity is heightened by Domino, while the Domino-Bond alliance is driven by Largo.
What of the third side of the triangle?
Domino and Largo share the most personal relationship of any antagonist and heroine.
While Bond frequently seduces women in league with the villain, generally these women are employees.
Domino and Largo were once lovers and might still be sexual partners, albeit unwillingly in Dominos case.
She is certainly Largos kept mistress, controlled and displayed by him.
Ultimately she helps Bond out of hatred for Largo.
On discovering her betrayal, Largo tortures Domino with ice cubes and a lit cigar.
The sexual nature of this torture is blatant.
Its pretty bold stuff and kudos for going there.
Swim, swim swim.
Didnt Q say the gadget only provided four minutes of air?
Yet the final payoff is rather brilliant.
In the films climax Bond and Largo fight aboard the runaway Disco Volante.
Domino is the first girl to directly save Bond and the only girl (ever!)
to kill the primary male antagonist.
And Ive barely mentioned Fiona.
The smoking hot assassin who steals the film.
She is the first Bond femme fatale, displaying all the trademarks: cool, confident, promiscuous.
Why are sexually forward Bond women think Xena Onatopp usually bad?
Or quickly killed off?
Because thats how culture ancient and modern tends to portray promiscuous women.
Bond is just another tired old symptom of an ageless illness.
Its a duller place once shes gone.
You may have noticed that Ive addressed the underwater sequences only tangentially.
There is very little interesting to say about them.
They arent silly, or offensive, or gratuitous these might be moderately entertaining.
Instead they are repeated, overlong and cripple the film.
Every time a head of steam is built up the snorkels come on and the mind switches off.
Less swimming andThunderballwould be up there with the best.
Instead it is doomed to be the underwater one.
ButThunderballhas a deeper issue.
Nowadays Bond is a franchise continually trying to reinvent itself.
Both are major works in the canon: hugely influential, highly memorable.
And beforeGoldfingercame the critical darlingFrom Russia with Love, arguably the best of the series.
AfterYou Only Live Twicecomes the heavily debatedOn Her Majestys Secret Service, arguably the most controversial.
And stuck in the middle isThunderball.
A film of relative static.
No new ground is broken, no fresh tracks pioneered.
Formula has taken root.
For the first time since its inception, the franchise seems willing to tread water.
Which considering the film in question is really quite ironic.
Best Bit:Fiona and Bond dancing at the junkanoo.
The rising drumbeat and the gun poking out through the curtain.
Worst Bit:The underwater sequences increase in tedium as the film progresses.
But the early one of SPECTRE concealing the sunken plane is probably the outright dullest.
Final Thought:You lying crab.
