It’s a hard thing making a sequel that lives up to the original.
Sometimes though it’s hard to make a sequel folks even remember exists in the first place.
Despite what Hollywood wants us to believe, not every movie ever made needs a sequel.
Its a useful technique, but, ironically, it doesnt work on the worst films.
We can say to each other, for example, thatHighlander II: The Quickeningnever happened all we want.
In our broken, battered souls though, we know it exists.
The memory endures, like a cinematic kidney stone.
If we do remember them, its with a befuddled how the hell did that happen?
or a they got A-list actors forthat?
And then we forget about them again.
Well, folks, strap in.
May you forget them again, quickly.
2010features a signature Cold War era plotline where a plea for peace between world superpowers enjoys threats aplenty.
Hanging over it all are the inscrutable efforts of the Monolith, which is now terraforming Jupiter.
Thats… pretty much it.
Attempt no landing there.
But one thing Kelly didnt do was go out of his way to ruin his original hit.
Yeah, the Directors Cut is unnecessary, but its notS.
Darko, and nothing aboutS.
With a garbled plot,S.
Darkotries to reuse as much from the original movie as possible.
Annoyingly, Samantha rarely has any agency in the weird shit happening to her, unlike her brother.
The second bad sign was that Jim Carrey didnt sign on.
He learned how limp sequels could be fromAce Ventura: When Nature Callsand bailed.
What sucks the most aboutSon of the Maskis that theres the bones of something here.
Okay, we lied, thats all this movie has.
Treasure your time on this Earth.
Go to a play.
Ashe himself said, its not like he was going to return the paychecks.
Because the made for TV movie,Look Whats Happened to Rosemarys Baby, shouldnt.
ImagineVelvet Goldminebut joyless, with Satanists who act out bits fromThe Omen.
Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett did it better.
Star Patty Duke, a genuine Hollywood legend, endured this movie.
You dont have to.
Thats not a weird joke setup, that is a thing that happened in the 80s.
The movie is forgettable garbage, a piece of plastic without any of the emotion of the original.
The name of the production is, we shit thee not,Satans Alley.
Thefake trailerof the same name is vastly better.Staying Alive, unfortunately, made abazoodle of bucksin 1983.
Why, God, why?
Dont let this happen to you.
The miniseries is beautiful to look at, with Irish scenery and luscious costuming.
Thats what won it a handful of awards.
The story is margarine on stale Wonder Bread.
With a little sprinkle, you couldve managed a decent fairy bread.
But no, only greasy sadness.
allows some fantastic cameos at least.
From Wilson Pickett and Aretha Franklin to Bo Diddley and blues god B.B.
King, the soundtrack, thus, is a banger of note.
So it was, until some dipstick decided to greenlightThe Rage: Carrie 2.
The Ragecommits the same mistake as 2011sThe Thing: its the same plot, only slightly to the left.
It does manage a couple of successes.
Amy Irving returns as original survivor Sue Snell, with archive footage ofCarriemaking this a canonical sequel.
If its on Tubi and youre already blitzed, check it out.
No one wants to remember the goddamn Wheelers, especially at three in the morning!
Its also genuinely well made.
Its the only directorial job that Francis Ford Coppolas legendary editor,Walter Murch, ever took on.
Thats actually a shame.
The chunky Break Up Our Canon Couple Because Plot storyline is equally nauseating.
Go watchThe Last Wishif you havent.
Puss in Boots is the Zorro you deserve.
But as scene-stealing as Jones is as U.S.
Marshal Samuel Gerard, theres no good reason forU.S.
Marshals, the film and,arguably, the organization, to exist.
Robert Downey Jr. is forgettable here.
Wesley Snipes carries his soulful fugitive well, but youre probably just going to keep remembering scenes fromPassenger 57.
Worst of all, the movie pulls a rare male fridging thats as ugly as its peers.
This is not an article abouthistorical inaccuracybutholy sheep shit, thatsinglesentence could take an essay to unpack.
Its not even the best movie about Robert the Brucethat year.
He was outshined the summer before by Chris Pine in NetflixsOutlaw King.
The only good thing?
It doesnt have Tim Curry in stockings, nor does it have Tim Curry at all.
He wisely checked out before this mess started.
And without him, whats the point?
Sleep… and let go of this memory.
