Horror cinema has had some unreasonable characters in its time.
But the Jigsaw collective?
The worst of ‘em all…
Spoiler warning: so many spoilers.
About all of the Saw films.
All horror movie villains are douchebags.
Thats pretty much the standard.
Freddy Krueger murders teenagers in their dreams what a dick.
Jason Voorhees will cut your head off if he finds you camping such a guff huffer.
Leatherface wants to remove your skin and wear it as a mask how rude.
Allow me to explain, film by film.
Saw
The Film: Low budget, wince-inducing horror thriller.
Heavily influenced by David FinchersSevenwith a bit of Wes Craven kerfuffle thrown in for the finale.
Well worth a watch.
Facilitating that twist means Jigsaw doesnt get a lot of active screen time to be a douchebag in.
We do get a few instances of the original Jigsaw, John Kramer, being a dickhead.
For a start, why does he pick on Zep?
Jigsaw takes advantage of Zep and, in doing so, abandons his whole schtick.
Id also argue that being unpleasant to Danny Glover is above and beyond standard horror movie unpleasantness.
Even the Predator treated Danny Glover respectfully.
Then theres his conduct in the bathroom, where much of the film plays out.
But heres whats bothering me:
Why did you take your trousers off, John?
Its you, laying on the floor pretending to be dead as part of your deadly Jigsaw game.
No part of that plan requires you to take off your trousers.
Saw II
The Film:Clumsy follow up thats more horror than thriller.
This time hes lounging around in his dressing gown.
The nerve of the man.
As he says this, screens in his warehouse lair show a group of people that he has poisoned.
Also, he sets lethal booby traps which kill a cop in the first movie.
Youve actually killed loads of people, Kramer, so what are you going on about?
You dont lie to a Wahlberg, you sack of assholes.
He has Wahlberg watching footage of the Jigsaw games.
So hes making him watchSaw II, andSaw IIis garbage.
Saw IIgives us a second Jigsaw killer in the form of Amanda, a victim from the first film.
Amanda is interesting because she gets chucked into a pit full of syringes and for no other reasons.
This one sets a template for the sequels to follow but also offers a satisfying ending.
Its actually pretty great.
Well start with John Kramer, who, even in ill health, continues to be an incredible dickhead.
If you really think people should make the most of their life why dont you fuck off to Disneyland?
In one flashback sequence we see him hand painting the creepy littleSawpuppet guy.
Why not use a shop bought murder doll and go and get some ice cream?
Enjoy the day, you psychotic nincompoop.
Hes also a bit desperate in this one.
Hes testing fellow Jigsaw Amanda, again.
Read the information thats there, John.
This also leads us to the thing that makes Amanda such an utter fartblaster inSaw III.
We learn at the end that shes been knocking offSawgame survivors.
Youd think she would know that thats not how it works, what with her being alive and all.
She even asks him why she cant kill someone.
Its the thirdSawfilm and youve been in all three of them, how do you not understand the plot?
Even Billy theSawpuppet gives a big whiny speech in this one.
Evil dolls are meant to be full of poltergeists, not hurt feelings.
Step forward Detective Hoffman.
You smell like a wet badgers asshole.
Detective Hoffman is meant to be investigating the Jigsaw murders, but really, hes the third Jigsaw killer.
Quite why hes so miserable, though, Ive no idea.
I thought team Jigsaw were pushing an enjoy life agenda.
Hoffman skulks around like hes the lead inCSI: My Parents Never Understood Me.
You just know hes a big Morrissey fan.
Hes pretty scruffy, too, with his shirt usually untucked and his hair sometimes ruffled.
Hoffman is a massive douchebag to everyone, but particularly to the audience.
This is a new low for team Jigsaw.
You dont lie to your audience using music.
TheSawteam are still being led by Jigsaw from beyond the grave.
On the subject of gadgets, it appears thatShort Circuits Johnny 5 has also joined team Jigsaw.
Jigsaw paints this on the wall of one of their crime scenes.
More so than ever before, Jigsaws message is confused inSaw IV.
Rigg, a troubled cop, is being taught to cherish his life by letting criminals die.
Jigsaw is trying to show us that saving the wrong person is a mistake.
I think this might be Kramer projecting after an extended period of working with Amanda.
Jigsaw then attempts to teach Rigg to be angry at criminals, which he already is.
Thank god someone in this series is being a douchebag for a good cause.
Saw V
The Film:Six confused strangers wake up in Jigsaws latest maze of doom.
Meanwhile, Hoffman attempts to cover his tracks while receiving acclaim for catching the Jigsaw killer.
Meanwhile, we learn more about Hoffmans role in the earlier Jigsaw murders.
Meanwhile, Detective Strahm believes he is closing in on the real Jigsaw killer.
Saw Vis really Hoffmans film, which gives us plenty to talk about here because hes a complete cock.
Strahm has already been subject to one of Jigsaws games.
In that scene, Jigsaw sets up a trap designed to teach Detective Strahm not to be a detective.
What is Hoffman even doing at this point?
As far as I can tell, Jigsaw is also trying to teach him to be thirsty.
Finally, Hoffman gets the better of Strahm at the end of the film.
By the time hes done the people in the collars look more bored than scared.
I agree with them.
Jigsaws become distracted with his hobby of being unbearable and his work is suffering.
In a flashback, were reminded of what a bag of doorknobs John Kramer is.
Using a specific kind of steel, he advises him, is better for the long haul.
Hoffman and Billy theSawPuppet have the same hair.
Hoffman reminds Kramer of his puppet.
A return to form as the series remembers that the traps are tense when theyre allowed to play out.
The biggest issue here is that Hoffman continues to speak to everyone in Jigsawisms.
Everything the guy says is a dour insistence that we all appreciate life.
Hes just so open about it, the massive idiot.
Five if you count Billy the Puppet, which would make you an idiot.
In a flashback, the four hang out briefly and get a fair amount of bickering done.
You also wonder whether there might be any more Jigsaw killers there, standing silently just out of frame.
These serial killers are very untrustworthy.
The interesting thing aboutSaw VIis that its a film with something to say.
Its a takedown of the US healthcare system.
Honestly, in this film I was kind of team Jigsaw.
A chap who pretended to have survived Jigsaws traps is put through Jigsaws traps.
3D sequel that was designed to end the series thats so poor it would likely have killed it regardless.
Its a very harsh punishment, and one that Im pretty sure is filled with leftover trap ideas.
This scene is awful.
The trap is rubbish, there is a woman dangling from the roof in a low cut top.
Hoffman slinks about while he puts a duplicitous shitbag through a maze of deadly traps.
Richard OBrien… sorry, Kramer is back for a brief flashback in this one.
That said, he is going on and on about how its made him appreciate life.
Hes written a book about it and everything.
In truth, Kramer is very judgemental for a man who keeps sewing keys into people.
This scene was set around the time Kramer was really getting into Eminem.
We also learn that Kramer has turned Doctor Gordon into the Jigsaw killer.
Like all complete assholes, he drags everyone down to his level.
He probably gets on the train while other passengers are still getting off, too.
Doctor Gordon comes with his own Jigsaw sidekicks.
Weve seen just about everything Kramer has done.
The only thing we dont know about him is why he took his trousers off inSaw.
