Forget the Xbox and the Playstation.

You with your Xbox Threes and your Playstation 360s, quibbling over how many p your console can do.

Xbox only does 900p, Playstation does 1080p.

The difference is literally 1.80.

Every console ever made is inferior to the Sega Mega Drive, for only it has Blast Processing.

Imagine the early 80s.

And so against Nintendo struck back Sega with its Master System.

Also, it looked a bit a novelty desk tidy.

Turns out they hadTerrorvision, not Terrorists.

In short, being a Sega fan meant pain, humiliation, and isolation.

At least, while it was Sega flagship.

This was hardship, kids.

Youre drunk, children, go home until you learn how to grow up in the past.

Then, however, Sega hit upon a plan.

The NES was 8-bit.

SEGA would release a 16-bit console.

It had more bits, therefore, it was better.

There could be no argument.

16 is clearly a bigger number.

Two times as big, to be exact.

Yet another way in which the modern console war is stupid.

1080p isnt twice as big as 900p.

How can anyone tell which is better?

The future we live in is an idiot.

Some shoulder-padded gentleman was probably yelling the word synergy while snorting coke to celebrate.

I wish I were making that up.

In North America, things were better, where the rebranding as Genesis gained favour with Phil Collins fans.

Ive forgotten my point.

The Mega Drive was called Super Aladdin Boy in South Korea.

I dont think that was my point either.

Oh, hedgehogs, that was it.

Alex Kidd was shit.

And so gurus banged their heads together and came up with something new, edgy, and fundamentally 90s.

A fast hedgehog, oh how droll.

But hes also blue, and has attitude, and takes amphetamines (probably).

Suddenly Nintendos lebensraum was under threat.

Or worse… just on the Mega Drive.

It was the early 90s, people, colour was a luxury back then.

Then things turned ugly.

Sega launched a host of negative marketing campaigns, dissing Nintendo and calling its mother names.

Nintendo hit back, with a joke.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?To get to Super Mario Land 2.

I dont get it.

Even pastel shades were daring, let alone a 256 colour display.

In case you werent there, things were very boring.

My dad drove an Austin Montego.

It pumped petrol fumes directly into the passenger seats.

It did me no harm though.

Only the Mega Drive had Blast Processing.

Kind of like Xbox Ones EDRAM (oooh, burn).

Alas, it didnt work, and sales of the Super Nintendo Entertainment Computer overtook the Mega Drive.

The fact that the Mega Drive couldnt actually play those videos was a marginal problem.

The Sega Mega CD was born.

Look at these new games!

Is that some tits?

Because having twice as many bits must make the games better this time, right?

No, it didnt.

And then Sega made the entire concept pointless by releasing the Sega Saturn the next day, or something.

Sega tried again, in the form of the beloved Dreamcast, but the damage was done.

So consider this, kids, as youre pretending to shoot up by injecting tea into your arms.

The PS4 and Xbox One are the same.

They have the same games.

They have the same innards.

Theyre the same shades of black.

Come back when youve got a real console war on your hands.

Im off to playAltered Beast.