Has Ben just found the worst film he’s ever seen?
Quick quiz for you.
Any idea what these films have in common:Pocket Ninjas,Night Train To MundoandDaniel Der Zauberer?
Yes, these films are not just bad.
They are the very worst.
I mean, think of all the films that get made over the years.
I know I have.
Mine used to be a tie betweenSteel MagnoliasandTitanic(the only film Ive ever walked out of).
James Cameron is someone who knows how to make a film.
What else could it be?
Sorry Ive gone back to the vitriol.
Bloody hell, the films called Silent Bloodnight…What were you expecting, Dostoevsky?
I mean this is from the Ed Wood style of movie making.
Complete car crash viewing.
In fact, it goes beyond car crash and right the way into plane crash into a building viewing.
Can I get away with that?
I…I think I can get away with that.
And ladies, dont worry.
You havent been forgotten about.
Yeah, well ignore that forSilent Bloodnight.
Trust me when I say you have not seen blood the colour it is presented as in this film.
The doozy of all is the effect used during a decapitation.
The filmmakers dont even try and hide the fact it is plainly a plastic mannequin and dolls head.
This pushes the film from very bad into the stratosphere of appalling.
Have you ever been forced to sit through a childs nativity play before?
The quickly spoken almost sentenceless talking.
Characters interrupting each other before theyve finished their lines.
There is no-one on screen that has even the slightest acting ability at all.
Ive come to terms with this inability and I think you should too.
Case in point; the lead actress Vanessa Vee (apparently).
Oh, and running towards the camera.
In a bikini…running towards the camera.
With help from gravity, it becomes almost hypnotic.
Not that this should matter except none of them can speak English.
This leads to everyone sounding like the Swedish chef fromThe Muppetsand resembles a manic episode ofAllo Allo.
Oh, sweet tree of unintentional comedy you have born me some truly scrumptious fruits.
Words do not do justice to the comedy this invokes.
Its so surreal and pant wettingly funny that I started to suspect that it was some sort of spoof.
It isnt and now I need to shower.
It ticks all the boxes.
A little side note.
But searching for such a thing would see me rightly committed.
Rating:
1 out of 5
