Theres a fourth Spy Kids movie in cinemas, and it involves sniffing things.

I cant take any more.

To compensate for the Fisher Price plot, Rodriguez has employed a couple of gimmicks to keep audiences occupied.

Its a gimmick pencil-moustached auteur John Waters played about with inPolyesterexactly thirty years ago.

There are two problems with this aspect of the film.

Then theres the second, more fundamental problem: all the squares smell almost exactly alike.

Robert Rodriguez appears to tire of the gimmick even before the audience does.

Anyway, back to the film.

The entire film, in fact, feels as though its been cobbled together in an afternoon or two.

The CG effects are of similar quality to late-90s fabric softener commercials.

Even the normally effusive Jeremy Piven seems bored as Marissas boss, Danger DAmo.

Worst of all is Rodriguezs script.

After half an hour, your jaundiced liver would explode.

Id love to, but I dont have time.

Time isnt on my side.

Theres no time like the present.

Ive got time on my hands.

Spy Kids 4Ds dialogue really is atrociously awful, and acts like a lead weight around the films neck.

Or better still, a nice, soothing bottle of gin.

Rating:

1 out of 5