Said someone, somewhere, presumably.
Star Trek: Insurrectionwas the great hope for the franchise.
The lessons learned from past failures.
No more interference from the studio.
Just put the right people in the right place and let them do their thing.
It worked forKhan, it worked forFirst Contact, so it should work forInsurrection.
Well, just one problem:Insurrectionis, in my view, not good at all.
No, Im not joking.
These ten year olds would then fight Romulans.
At some point, Q would show up and annoy everyone.
The second draft replaced Duffy with Data, who would be killed by Picard.
This idea was met with a simple post-it note that read better luck next time.
Honestly, Im trying to make this sound good.
Right, no more stalling, lets do this.
But oh no, Data goes off piste and knocks some fruit over.
Then he shoots the invisible hill watching place thing, and theyre discovered.
Wait, how did they get there in the first place?
I guess that would be mystery!.
Back on the Enterprise, Picard is wearing a funny hat.
Worf shows up for some reason.
Obviously creepy Admiral whatshisface tells Picard to stop dicking about and go and get Data.
You know theyre bad because they dont enjoy subsistence farming and hemp like the Baku do.
Then Data sods of for no apparent reason.
Admiral Dougherty gives Picard twelve hours to subdue Data.
Because good writers use ticking clocks, thats why.
Who cares if this is just the first act?
I need a break.
Its all too much.
Plus, the Baku are perpetually youthful anyway, so it doesnt even make sense.
The problem is, that theme doesnt really fit.
The Baku are the archetypal idyllic society.
Untouched by progress, innocent of crime, all loving and all accepting.
With one major flaw: theyre a bunch of bigots.
After a failed coup, they were made to leave the planet.
Lets just take a moment or three to consider how monumentally flawed this is.
How did the Sona get banished?
Did the Baku keep a couple of warships in orbit, just in case?
And for that matter, if there was no technology, what did this coup look like?
A few pointed sticks and harsh words?
It would have been as harmless and pitiful as an anti-Brexit rally.
Theres only 600 of them in one isolated valley and they couldnt even spare one lousy hemisphere.
But when you live on a magic planet that makes you immortal, exile is a slow death sentence.
A race that have rejected technology except for the technology they need to crush their enemies.
No, thats the actual plan.
Just like a long car journey with my dad.
Unfortunately the only thing on the menu is hummus, probably.
Picard learns that the Baku arent a primitive race, and arent even natives.
Phew, good job the Prime Directive doesnt apply.
Otherwise this might turn into a better episode.
Sorry, I mean film.
Also she can bend time with her brain, or something, which Picard finds fascinating.
When Wesley pulled that crap on the Enterprise Picard just told him to shut up.
In fact, the Bakus treatment of technology is like some sort of species wide personality disorder.
Imagine what their doctors would be like.
You want me to give you an x-ray?
Now hold still while I hit you with this rock to get rid of the demons.
But of course, they dont need doctors, because they live on a magic planet.
I dont like the Baku.
Anyway, Data comes back online and reveals that he discovered something bad which triggered some ethical subroutine.
No, Im being serious, apparently he is programmed to do that.
AttentionStar Trek Into Darkness: If youre going to steal plot ideas, dont makeInsurrectionyour source.
Realising that the evil admiral is evil, Picard confronts him.
Its an insurrection because Starfleet are in cahoots with our nominal bad guys.
Who cares about their stupid planet anyway?
Its not like its the only one there is.
By the way, this planet everyones fighting over has no name.
Michael Piller didnt even name the planet the entire film takes place on.
How the hell do you forget to put that in the script?
Well, from now on, Im calling it Planet Grauniad.
Okay, so we know what their plan is.
Get the Baku off the Planet Grauniad, make the medicine, relocate the Baku somewhere nice.
Help me out here, guys.
Why is this a bad thing?
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and all that.
Planet Grauniad isnt even theirs.
Fortunately she can bend time with her brain, so she slows down time until everything is frozen.
Wait, wouldnt that make it take longer for help to come?
Dont worry about it.
And they get transporter-napped anyway, making the whole thing completely pointless.
And now, the reveal.
No, seriously, thats why the Sona are the bad guys.
I like the Sona.
I might adopt one.
They can use that facelift machine to reupholster my settee.
The music is a highlight, as Jerry Goldsmiths music always is.
But thats all it is nice music.
The special effects too are just a bit bland.
ILM was busy withThe Phantom Menace, but even then a cheaper option was probably what everyone wanted.
The CGI is remarkably flat, probably due to the weird projection technique used.
The end of the film is where everyone just gives up.
So, Picard has to beam over and punch Ruafo into submission.
Why is the inside of the Collector blue?
Because they didnt do any special effects.
They literally just went yeah, thatll do and left it as is.
Wait, did they even bother explaining why Worf was there in the first place?
The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
Its the kind of thing youd expect from a TV movie, which, quite frankly, it is.
A TV movie from the terrible first season, where, tellingly, Riker had no beard too.
Insurrectionis, therefore, the weakest of allTrekfilms for me.
But perhaps worse than that is that its the film no one really cares about at all.
Its not cerebral likeI, epic likeIII, ambitious likeVor important likeVII.
Neither is it revered likeII, popular likeIV, thrilling likeVIor explosive likeVIII.
Perhaps that is for the best.
