Valiant wants you to believe that Quantum & Woody are the “World’s Worst Superhero Team.”
Yeah…nice try, guys.
See, they were marines in armor?
Readers could not tell one of these losers from the other.
Valiants no frills house style made the characters indistinguishable, but does it really matter?
The team has gone through many incarnations over the years, just to be cancelled.
Strange, Silver Surfer, and Sub-Mariner.
Even the also-rans like Valkyrie, Hellstorm, and Hellcat are pretty cool, but theSecret Defendersare another story.
The team wasnt even a real team; Dr.
It was really just a convenient excuse to get Wolverine and Ghost Rider shoehorned into more comics.
Lets look at the power set of this squad.
Franklin Richards:could be the most powerful being in the universe, until his father lobotomized him.
Nice parenting, Reed.
Man-Thing:a brainless cabbage that burns anything that feels fear.
Leech:has the power to nullify any mutant ability and is, like, three years old.
Artie:can project thought images.
Yeah, thats better than flight or heat vision.
Tana Nile:scores major points because she was created by Kirby.
Alien, high tech weapons, looking like Betty Boop.
Beverly Switzer:Howards hot girl friend.
Has the power to make bestiality acceptable.
You get one chance at it, and DC blew it with this 90s throwback.
Not even a chromium holographic cover and a trading card could have saved this taco fart of a team.
I own every appearance of the team, and Im not ashamed to say so.
That being said, a group of caped animals suck.
There is nothing cool about a caped horse.
Let me tell you something about Comet, he was actually a centaur who was in love with Supergirl.
He was transformed into a horse by a witch and had a secret crush on Supergirl.
So when she would ride him around, Comet would get a thrill of a lifetime.
Dirty, dirty horse.
Beppo was really just a monkey though.
That would be some high velocity poo slinging, I tells ya.
And whats cooler than a satellite headquarters?
Did they recruit Lou Whitaker, Alan Trammell, or Magnum P.I.?
I take that back, Zatanna is, was, and always will be awesome.
The Champions greatest enemy seemed to be editorial interference.
Creator Tony Isabella wanted to write a book featuring the adventures of Iceman and Angel.
Poor Ghost Rider, two teams in a row that made the suck list.
Later, Morbius got the band back together and added the Living Mummy, and the Manphibian.
Thats right, I said Manphibian.
The problem with this team was that Marvel never fully committed to the concept.
Wheres the haunted house headquarters?
Wheres the monster rocket to whisk them off to adventures?
Wheres the plucky group of teen crime solvers to help the Legion?
But really, Comic Book Rule #989, if you allow Manphibian on your team, you suck.
Nate Branch would become liquid, and was even referred to as Aquaman, much to DCs lawyers delight.
Curly Neal became Super Sphere and turned into a basketball in a fiendishly nightmarish scenario.
Seriously, the dude transformed into a quadruple amputee in some kind of vile EC Comics twist of fate.
Geese Ausbie became Multi-Man and could clone himself.
The team received their orders from the Crime Globe, a basketball-shaped satellite that would order around the team.
This makes the Star Wars Christmas Special look likeM.A.S.H.
Mark Waid called this celluloid treasure 80 minutes of my life Ill never get back.
Whats so bad about it?
Martian Manhunter is played by a very fat David Ogden Stiers.
How can Martian Manhunter be fat?
Hes a shape shifter; would he choose to look like a corpulent sack of lard?
Ice is a meteorologist.
Flash is an unemployed shmuck.
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