Jason investigates the mythical game Polybius.
Did it ever exist?
Could it be the trippiest videogame ever?
Here’s what he found out…
This brings me to my topic du jour.
This time, we are going to take a look atPolybius, the alleged game of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
In the early 80s, arcades were the cool place to go.
There were home videogames, but they didnt compare to the quality of arcade video games.
If you want an example of this, go and play the Atari 2600 version ofPac-Man.
I dare you, tell me it can even hold the slightest of candles to the arcade version.
Prove it to me and Ill give you a cookie.
Sometimes they came up with something awesome, likeMs.
Pac-ManandDragons Lair.Sometimes not so awesome, likeBurgertime.
The games diabolical intentions were revealed when players reported experiencing nausea, nightmares, insomnia and amnesia.
This, indeed, was to be a true killer app.
Other reports found online indicated the famed Atari designer Ed Rotberg was instrumental in the development of the game.
The existence of this game has long been debated in the internet age.
My opinion will come at the end.
Allegedly, the game was similar toTempest, involving some kind of tunnel effect on the screen.
Why it wouldnt exist:
I. Raster and vector images just dont splice
II.
You cant make someone off themselves using the Jedi mind trick
III.
50 million Elvis fans cant be wrong
IV.
Because the big man told me so!
V. Subliminal messages dont always work
VI.
This game actually has an educational message
I.
The US Government has had a keen interest in videogames for many years
II.
There is a myriad of games that never left the prototype stage
III.
Once I got my eyeballs to stop bleeding, I did come up with a few observations.
This is done by shooting targets that have a number circling them.
If you shoot a number which the center number is divisible by (following this?
), the number in the center is reduced by the amount on the target.
Not divisible, then the number in the center goes up by one.
Hit the square root, and instantly you warp to the next level.
Upon looking closer, they are subliminal messages, reminiscent of They Live.
Things like No Imagination or Consume flash up there periodically.
People with vertigo, motion sickness, epilepsy or those who like to get high need not apply.
This game, straightforward, will fuck you up.
The backgrounds in further levels are mesmerizing, and would certainly be vomit-inducing to those of the weaker stomach.
Either way, as the game went on, I felt like I was trippin balls.
By the time I was finished, I was certainly a little dizzy, but no worse for wear.
Looking back at it, it really wasnt a particularly fun game.
There was really nothing special about it, and the gameplay was certainly not addicting.
So, I know youre just dying to know: do I thinkPolybiusexists?
That answer is no.
In my research I found no credible evidence that the game existed.
I talked to the alleged developer who specifically said he had nothing to do with it.
So would the rest of you.
You know you would, dont deny it.
Even more so, how pathetic are you if you commit murder because ofWoW?
It can be done.
Its certainly not worth your life, marriage, children, job etc.
Legacy
Whether this game exists or not, it certainly has a bit of a legacy.
Runner, and many other classic games.
And no, he really doesnt have a flat in The Village.
Look forward to an interview with him sometime in 2010.
The men in black say the effects should wear off in a few months.
Jason Helton is the Co-Creator/Executive Producer of Iron Otaku Radio, formerly on XM and Worldspace Satellite Radio.
Currently, he is not leaving the fucking house because them Men with Blue Hands will get him.
He promises to never play or talk about Polybius again; just kindly dont hurt him.
