Reality takes a holiday along with the Star Wars cast.
But is the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special that bad?
You know what go well together?
Pop sci-fi, variety shows and Christmas.
Wait, no they dont, thats a terrible idea.
The Christmas variety show is fine, but attaching a famously secular fantasy to it?
So obviously some genius decided to put the two things together.
Something so bad that it was never shown again.
Carrie Fisher reportedly uses it to get people to leave her house.
George Lucas actually threatened to go on a rampage with a sledgehammer.
Words have not been invented to describe how bad it is.
But of course, the Empire are trying to find him, becauseStar Wars.
For an hour and a sodding half.
Yet somehow, it doesnt manage to live up to even this threadbare premise.
In fact, its hard to imagine that this could be worse even if people tried.
Its not even so-bad-its-good, or even accidentally funny.
Although it is better thanAttack Of The Clones.
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So, lets meet Chewies family.
And they only speak Shyriiwook.
I dont speak Shyriiwook.
Not that anything actually does happen.
We do get to hear grunting though.
Lots and lots of grunting.
Lets meet them, shall we?
Tough, were doing this mother right now.
Itchy enjoys sleeping and watching pornography.
Not that youd get it from the grunting, but Itchy is Chewies dad.
Lumpy is played by a Chuckie doll, specifically the burnt one from the end ofChilds Play.
Lumpy enjoys stealing, breaking things, and watching TV.
Lumpy is Chewies son.
This family really needs to sort out their names.
For no reason, we have a scene where Lumpy contemplates suicide because he cant steal any more biscuits.
This is Malla, Chewies wife.
Malla enjoys cooking, bossing everyone around, and scanning for starships.
Malla is Chewbacca, with human lips.
Imagine Chewie and Malla having sweaty, grunty, hairy sex with each other.
Go on, start imagining.
That mental image will now define your Christmas.
Notice all the lovely Life Day decorations, the Life Tree or the wonderful festive atmosphere?
No, me neither.
I think we had the same sideboard.
Still, thats enough excitement for now.
If youve got any drugs, use them now folks.
Its not going to make sense any other way.
After this insanity, Malla decides to worry about Chewie for some reason.
Fortunately, this gives way to our first guest star.
Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!
Mark Hamill is somewhere in this bit, but trapped under enough makeup to kill the Emperor himself.
It even looks like hes had his eyes whitened.
Although in all seriousness, that make up was probably to hide the scars from his horrific car accident.
It basically explains everything thats happened up to this point, which is precisely nothing.
Plot over with, they get back to looking for Chewie.
It turns out he isnt in the sideboard.
Then Malla scans again.
God this is boring.
Now were introduced to Art Carney.
He knows this because… no idea.
But, at least now we have the plot.
Chewie is coming home.
The Empire is looking for him.
You know, just in case you didnt figure it out yet.
Still, no time for plot.
Weve got a cooking show to watch!
We watch Malla watching a cooking show.
With Roger Corman doing a weird Julia Child impersonation.
This might be funny if it were, except it isnt.
Just in case wed forgotten the plot, we get more stock footage.
But its Harrison Ford!
Theres peril here, because Han Solo looks so bored he might airlock himself.
Quick, theyve got to fulfill those contractual obligations before its too late!
For nearly 10 minutes.
This is because the writers were idiots, and she was completely stoned off her tits.
Theyre looking for, I dunno, rebel scum or something.
They menacingly look through cupboards.
Then they look through the cupboards again, just in case.
Wait, theyre looking for Chewie?
And they think he might be hiding in the sideboard?
The Wookiees already looked there.
Seriously, does Chewie have some problem hiding in the sideboard?
Has anyone ever found him there?
The Empire just loves Jefferson Starship, apparently.
I should point out this is easily the most coherent part of the special yet.
But they cant search the bedroom because Lumpy made a mess (the other kind).
So he watches a cartoon.
This cartoon is actually the one bit that was good.
In fact it even got an official release, unlike any other parts of this bloody special.
Its standard 70s fare, which means exaggerated characters and nonsensical plot.
Thats howStar Warsfandom works, folks.
You could flog them anything as long as Boba Fett is in it.
Which I think was the pitch forAttack Of The Clones.
After the cartoon, the Empire orders Lumpy to… tidy his room!
But because hes a child, he just puts the TV on again.
For fictional utility items in theStar Warsuniverse.
The advertiser is Harvey Korman, playing a robot with a malfunctioning pelvis.
Wait, I think Lumpy is building some sort of illegal transmitter or something.
I didnt catch the dialogue because, as I keep telling this idiot, WE DONT SPEAK SHYRIIWOOK!
Do you want to learn how to build it?
Fortunately, were not done watching people we dont know watching TV shows.
We now get to watch the Stormtroopers watching a documentary on Tatooine.
Which is basically a load of people in the cantina looking vaguely bored.
Apparently they met before, then he fell in love, and now… no, Im lost.
None of this is ever explained.
Its just another excuse for Harvey Korman to pick up another paycheque.
Still, its a better love story thanAttack Of The Clones.
But then disaster strikes!
The Empire declares a curfew and closes the cantina.
Poor whatever her name is.
One of the Rodians is called Ludlow.
Hes a lovely town.
As we will see later, this is the second worst attempt at this sort of thing.
Heres a giant rat.
But fortunately Chewie and Han arrive and Han manages to murder the stormtrooper.
Then, after some platitudes and making everyone cry, he sods off.
Hes so eager to get out of there he practically throws Lumpy at Chewie.
Fortunately, Art Carney comes back to cover up the murder and stress the importance of always carrying ID.
No, seriously, thats the moral of the story.
Either that or double-check you have a healthy supply of drain cleaner before you watch this crap.
A similar message would be used for the romance scenes inAttack Of The Clones.
They then appear at the bottom of a giant tree that is floating in space.
Then, everyone turns up, even the people who were clearly on other planets.
The poor girl could barely stand, apparently.
Because this thing was running short, we now have a montage of clips fromStar Warsfor no reason whatsoever.
And then its over.
Still better thanAttack Of The Clonesthough.
