Heres the full countdown on one page]
I love Steven Seagal films.
I think thats an important thing to state here.
This isnt a sarcastic, snarky piece.
This is all high fives and hi-ya!s.
Look, I kind of get it.
Steven Seagals films do have common aspects that it’s possible for you to expect to see.
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Still, though, I love these films.
I love that I can spot the same elements.
I love that he always plays a tough guy with a secretive military background.
I love it when he goes an entire film without getting hit.
I love it when he becomes ultraviolent.
I love it when he goes to a strip club (so, so often).
I love it when he wrecks a convenience store.
His movies are fun to watch and I take legitimate pleasure from watching them.
Theres an argument for doing it either way, but Ive chosen to do it this way.
Thats why youll not seeMachete,Executive Decisionand the like.
Ive ranked films here based on how much I like them.
Out for a Kill
Out for revenge.
Steven Seagal IS Professor Robert Burns, an archaeologist with a shady past.
Now, nothing will satisfy him but brutal, violent vengeance.
Steven Seagal IS…Out for a Kill.
Now, youll absolutely have some fun withOut for a Kill, but its a mess.
The special effects are dreadful; bad ideas that look cheap and unconvincing.
Fortunately, the tone is light and the silliness passes as good fun.
There are a couple of great fight scenes, too.
Obviously, Seagal smashes him to pieces regardless.
Shadow Man
Either youre with him… or youre dead!
Steven Seagal IS Jack Foster, a loving father and dangerous martial artist.
Who does he have to fight?
Well, it seems no one can be trusted.
The police, the CIA, local drug dealers, gangsters, his own father in law.
So he just fights the lot of them.
Theyd all do well to stay in the light when Steven Seagal is a…Shadow Man.
Shadow Manhas some problems.
It has too many characters and no clearly defined big bad.
The story doesnt really make sense.
The script insists that every third line of dialogue Seagal speaks is I just want to find my daughter.
Its too slow and we get a really clear look at Seagals doubles on occasion.
Theres some fun stuff in there too, though.
Exit Wounds
What can two men do against a gang of crooked cops?
Problem is,Exit Woundsreally isnt very good.
Its just a very dull film.
He also cant help but feel that her father isnt telling him everything.
The Keeperis all right.
A low budget straight to video action film, it keeps things simple.
The Foreigner: Black Dawn
Its always darkest before dawn.
Steven Seagal IS Jonathan Cold.
Everyone seems to want the bloody thing and theyre all willing to kill to get it.
Black Dawnis a significant improvement overThe Foreigner.
He taught me everything I know.
A Dangerous Man
They started this.
Steven Seagal IS Shane Daniels, a former Special Forces operative.
He teams up with the Russians to help a young woman rescue her uncle.
Will Daniels be able to bash these shit-munchers up?
Well, he is…A Dangerous Man.
He is tree, ground, wind, rain and snow.
He is mother nature.
This isnt right at all.
Steven Seagal IS Forrest Taft.
The bad guys decision to take on Forrest finds the oil-glugging, Bambi-bashing bastards treading…On Deadly Ground!
Apparently Warner Bros. agreed to let Seagal directOn Deadly Groundin exchange for his committing toUnder Siege 2.
Its not very good, I dont think.
A few of the fight scenes are all right, and the cast is crazy.
Seagal found himself directing Michael Caine, R Lee Ermey, John C McGinley and Billy Bob Thornton.
There are several nice shots of an eagle soaring over snowy mountains, although disappointingly Seagal doesnt fight it.
Mercenary for Justice
Its time to fight again.
Steven Seagal IS John Seeger, a mercenary on a mission gone bad.
After all, hes not in it for the money, hes a…Mercenary for Justice!
Presumably youve just returned to this article after buying your copy ofMercenary For Justice.
Still, its pretty fun.
The film is most memorable for a restroom ruckus that finds Seagal dispensing a brilliantly berserk bathroom bastard bludgeoning.
Pistol Whipped
They came to collect a debt.
He paid in full.
Steven Seagal IS Matt, a former cop turned degenerate gambler.
But as he digs deeper, Matt starts to question who the real villain is.
When he finds out, the least of their worries will be being…Pistol Whipped.
This is a fun one.
We get some of his more involved fight scenes and he charms a little in the role, too.
The character is a little different from the usual Seagal character, in that he has flaws.
The Glimmer Man
Two good cops.
Steven Seagal IS Jack Cole.
Dumb move if you ask me, or have read any of the previous entries on this list.
The last thing you want to do is antagonise…The Glimmer Man.
Still, the odd scenes that do work are a pleasure to watch.
Wayans does really well, although hes basically wasted.
The fight scenes arent particularly well photographed.
The Patriot
The crisis is spreading.
The danger is growing.
Time is running out.
Steven Seagal IS Dr. Wesley McClaren.
These filthy banjo twangers have no idea the kind of facial trauma theyre getting themselves into.
Driven to Kill
They took his daughter.
So hes taking them down.
Steven Seagal IS Ruslan, a former Russian mob affiliate turned author.
Slow to start, silly and simple?
All accusations you could fairly make against Driven to Kill.
So why is it here?
Because its a laugh and a half.
Unlikely to win him any new fans, Seagal enthusiasts will find much to enjoy.
Renegade Justice (aka Urban Justice)
When revenge is personal, justice can be brutal.
Steven Seagal IS Simon Ballister, a heartbroken father investigating the murder of his policeman son.
He soon learns that the crime was not the senseless gang slaying that the police had suggested.
AlthoughRenegade Justicewas released straight to video, it was apparently considered for a theatrical release.
Its easily one of the most polished and competent of Seagals DTV era.
The film is well acted, well-paced and, save for a few shoddy looking sequences, well photographed.
It feels like a middle ground between Seagals DTV and theatrical films.
Eddie Griffin surprised me with a really entertaining turn as an ambitious gang leader.
Seagal, too, puts in one of his strongest performances.
Renegade Justice gets bonus points for a brief cameo that reunites Seagal on screen with Dangerous Danny Trejo!
Half Past Dead
The Good, the Bad and the Deadly
Steven Seagal IS Sasha.
When they finally track down the bad guys, theyd better set their watches to…Half Past Dead.
Its not bad, though.
The fight scenes arent great, the effects are poor and its as cheesy as Dutch nachos.
Still, its silly and entertaining.
Maximum Conviction
Maximum security.
Maximum Convictionis fine for the 25 minutes it takes to set itself up.
Unspectacular, but fine.
Once the violence kicks off, though, its a blast.
Every character gets a chance to prove how deadly they are, and most do so with enthusiasm.
For me,Maximum Convictionwas an unexpected pleasure.
Kill Switch
His rules.
Steven Seagal IS Jacob, a detective who plays by his own incredibly violent rules and gets results.
Jacob is after The Grifter, a serial killer and total twat.
An inexperienced FBI agent keeps getting in Jacobs way and people keep going missing.
The Grifter sets Jacob up, framing him for the murders and effectively flipping his…Kill Switch!
Get me a fucking blanket!
yells Steven Seagal, in a moment that accurately sums up the charm ofKill Switch.
Its a big, dribbling, clumsy dog of a film, bounding around and knocking over furniture.
Its marred by hyperactive editing and some obvious stand in work, which is a shame.
The killer grabs a screwdriver, which is meant to threaten Seagal.
What is this leading up to?Kill Switchhammer fight!
Into the Sun
Only one man can stop the Yakuza.
Into The Sunis ridiculous.
The Japanese mobsters in this film are unhinged, shooting everyone who dares to encroach on their screen time.
The last 30 minutes in particular find Seagal in full on rampage mode.
His Aikido style of fighting often sees him flinging people into furniture and other breakable things.
Fire Down Below
Beneath a land of wealth and beauty hides a secret that could kill millions.
Undercover has never run so deep.
When Jack finds his good deeds met with glares and suspicion, he knows that something is up.
Much like me watching a Steven Seagal film, hes spurred on by a…Fire Down Below.
Fortunately for me,Fire Down Belowis a much better film than the tree-tonguingOn Deadly Ground.
Its cheeky, wacky and violent.
Then theres the toxic waste, which looks like barrels of Predator blood.
Belly of the Beast
A fathers rage knows no limits.
Steven Seagal IS Jake Hopper, a former CIA operative.
God knows why people are still kidnapping Steven Seagals characters daughters, but thats exactly what balaclava-wearing wombats do.
Seagal teams up with a former partner-turned-monk and goes on a fighting spree in an effort to rescue her.
Belly of the Beastis bizarre.
To me, thats its appeal.
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
A top secret nuclear satellite.
A team of international terrorists.
A government held hostage.
An undetectable moving headquarters.
Only one hero stands in their way.
Steven Seagal IS Casey Ryback.
Its up to Ryback to stop these railroad rotters before they blow up something important or kill his niece.
Ryback is right back!
You think this is being shot?
This isnt being shot!
laughs Casey Ryback when questioned about his bullet wound.Under Siege 2is a bit like that.
Brief aside; this film features an awesome fire stunt.
Theres also a scene featuring the villains standing around and gossiping about how good Ryback is.
They must have seenUnder Siege.
Under Siege 2is more fun than you probably think it is.
I guess Im not trained for this!
Under Siege 2is perhaps most notable for the number of henchmen that Seagal throws off a cliff.
Out for Justice
Hes a cop.
Its a dirty job… but somebodys got to take out the garbage
Steven Seagal IS Gino Felino.
Reader of The Beano (unconfirmed).
Richie is a reckless, unhinged psycho who has angered his mob bosses as much as he has Gino.
As Gino chases down this rotten-breathed diarrhoea-chugger he uncovers secrets and shatters bodies.
Bad guys seem to queuing up to stand in his way.
Its a poor decision, because you cant stop a Seagal who is…Out for Justice!
So we get 35 minutes of that, before a delightfully splatterful finale.
The story inOut for Justiceis triggered by the most brazen murder Ive ever seen.
Then he just swaggers away, looking exactly like the easily identifiable William Forsythe.
Forsythe puts in a great turn in Out for Justice and is a disturbingly believable bad guy.
Still, this is Seagals show.
Particularly your groins.).
Theres a butcher shop beatdown, which sees Seagal cleaver a mans leg and cause general meat carnage.
Our for Justiceis must see, though, for the pool hall scene.
My goodness, the pool hall scene.
Battleship besieged by terrorists.
Lone man fighting to save the ship…
Steven Seagal IS Casey Ryback.
Ryback is the chef on a battleship.
Hes a nice chap and seems harmless enough.
These guys are professionals.
They can handle twenty marines and a hundred cooks!
Oh Tommy Lee Jones.
I think chef Casey Ryback is Steven Seagals most famous role.
Its not his best, Id argue, but it is pretty great.
One, I dont date musicians, and two, I dont kill people.
Now take this machine gun and start blowing some mothers away.
All right, the cake scene still isnt bad.
Under Siegeis mostly notable for its villains.
Credit to Tommy Lee Jones, as for a good chunk of time its actually competitive.
As the film proceeds, Tommy Lee Jones swings between angry and joyously mad.
Presumably his jaw was trying to escape so it could see what Gary Busey was up to.
Perhaps competent rather than spectacular, the simple set-up ofUnder Siegefacilitates a fun last hour.
Above the Law
He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam.
He has a master 6th degree blackbelt in Aikido… and family in the mafia.
Hes a cop with an attitude.
Steven Seagal IS Nico Toscani.
A former CIA man, a cop, a husband, a father and a bone shatterer.
When a bomb goes off in a church, Nico takes it pretty personally.
But who can he trust?
Seagals screen debutAbove the Lawis a blast.
If you note the above tagline, youll see they really stacked Seagals character with badassness.
Like, nearly all of them.)
InAbove the Law, we get some stills of him learning these painful procedures.
Above the Law is just a proper late 80s action film, complete with synthy score and bright look.
Hard to Kill
Hes L.A. detective Mason Storm.
Three hired assassins left him for dead.
And hes waited seven years to even the score.
Steven Seagal IS Mason Storm.
Unfortunately for just about everyone involved, the villains interrupt his thrusting with shotguns.
Leaving Mason for dead, Mrs. Storm actually dead and Storm jnr.
scampering, they may think theyve got the job done.
He may be outgunned and outnumbered, but Mason Storm is…Hard to Kill!
Phwoar.Hard to Killis a pretty satisfying watch.
Hard to Killis notable amongst other Seagal films for some flashes of flair in the writing.
The script also features the excellent, tongue in cheek line The deader he is the safer he is.
To the blood bank.
Seagal is teamed up with real wife at the time Kelly Le Brock.
Also, wonderfully, groin strike Seagal strikes again against groins.
Youll also likely dig Seagals coma beard and the whole 90s feel of this movie.
Marked for Death
Hes a good cop in a bad mood.
Steven Seagal IS John Hatcher.
Its a dreadful decision that sets Hatcher off on a limb-shattering quest for revenge.
Im a fucking made man says that smug shit Jimmy Fingers.
Hatcher shoots Jimmy through the face.
While the above perfectly illustrates how brilliantMarked for Deathis, allow me to top you up with some words.
Holy macaroni,Marked for Deathis brilliant.
Screwface (Basil Wallace) is a punctured hate pipe, spraying malice and violence in all directions.
The Jamaican gang and their tactical software of voodoo add flavour toMarked for Death.
That said, theyre still nowhere close to a match for Seagal.
They were both wrong.
Silenced sniper shots and sudden samurai swords see Seagal to an unsettlingly slaughterful success.
Its a really wonderful last 20 minutes, crammed full of carnage.
Oh, and Seagal duets on the end credits song.
The Seagallion Stallions masterpiece, you have to seeMarked for Death.
