Our US correspondent popped into his multiplex to see what the Twilight fuss was about.
He still doesn’t know…
Twilightstunned box office analysts by having a gigantic opening weekend.
That is a testament to the many rabid fans of Stephenie Meyers wildly successful teen vampire romance franchise.
Its second weekend sawTwilights box office numbers sink faster than… hell, I dont know.
Something that sinks fast.
Id come up with a great simile or metaphor there, but I thinkTwilightgave me brain damage.
My head would hurt less, and I wouldnt want to burn down the closest library.
Everyone says the books are great, but anything would be better than this movie.
Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is the new girl in town.
This happens a lot in small towns, apparently.
Save poor, lonely Edward.
Of course, the two fall instantly and hopelessly in love.
Bella because Edward is so sparkly and dangerous, and Edward because Bella reminds him of heroin.
Lets start with the acting, then work our way down the list of terrible things about the film.
Fortunately for him, he was just hired to look pretty and be angsty.
Unfortunately for him, hes also got a fight scene.
Thats what she does throughout the entire movie.
To say the characters in this film are two dimensional is to viciously slander cardboard cutouts.
This movie is all about plain-ass everygirl Bella and her dreamy sparkle motion corpseboy Edward.
Teenagers are awkward, but nobody is this constantly awkward in real life.
This is a fetishistic level of discomfort.
Masochists dont enjoy being uncomfortable this much.
This is a bad TV soap opera, except entirely too predictable and unintentionally funny.
Catherine Hardwicke has done some good film work in her time.
The camera work in this film is consistently awful.
This is a movie that makes having magic powers look boring and makes super speed look impossibly lame.
The one thing the film does well is capture the gray and green overcast nature of the Pacific Northwest.
you’re able to easily see why Seattle has a very high suicide rate.
At least they only cast a few 20-something high school students for once.
This is unflavored cinema oatmeal; bland, predictable, and mushy.
Find more by Ron at his blog,Subtle Bluntness, and daily atShaktronicsandPopFi.
Rating:
1 out of 5
