With every superhero getting the live-action cinematic treatment, Plastic Man remains two-dimensional.

But its not for lack of trying.

What he came up with was Patrick Eel OBrian, an orphan-turned-street hood-turned-safecracker.

What set Plastic Man apart wasnt his unique superabilities, but his zany sense of humor.

It wasnt just corny one-liners.

Nobody, not even Eisner, had done or seen anything quite like it before.

Thomas Pynchon even gave Plas a cameo inGravitys Rainbow.

Maybe someone like Chuck Jones or the Fleischer brothers.

Christ we had theSuper Friends, didnt we?

Goddamn humorlessAquamanand his starfish friends.

Plastic Man seemed like any half-decent animators dream.

Of course, being a kid I wasnt taking into account two things.

First, the comics I got from my dad were from the 40s and 50s.

I wasnt aware how much the character and the comics themselves had changed since Coles suicide.

They made a few small changes along the way.

He also has a plane and a submarine that allow him to confront ridiculous supervillains all over the world.

But for god sakes what about a live-action film?

All of them with the exception of Plastic Man, that is.

Turns out thats something of a story.

Oh me, oh my, and what a script it was.

Where to even begin?

Patrick Eel OBrian has for some reason now become David OBrian.

Yeah, the Wachowskis have never really been much known for their sense of humor.

Its not that they donttryto be funny.

They try really, really hard.

But watching the Wachowskis venture to be funny is just kind of sad.

He even pisses liquid plastic.

Well, its unclear why Dreamworks and Warners decided against going ahead withPlastic Man.

It mightve been the competition it would face at the box office.

It mightve been the proposed brain-freezing budget.

With CGI at their disposal now, what would stop them?

They even announced a December 2009 release date.

The question then became, how do you make a bad script even worse?

You ask Kaw-Ligia himselfKeanu Reevesto star as that zany Plastic Man.

Guess it says all it needs to about how they envisioned the tone of the film (i.e.

It seemed another odd choice, but there you go.

It was a trick Marvel recognized from the beginning, but one that hadnt yet dawned on DC.

Not long after the rumors began, they stopped again and nothing else was said about the possibility.

So what is Plas problem, exactly?

Why is it that he doesnt even deserve a cameo in these endless, endless comic book films?

What, do people actually prefer that tired old bore Reed Richards?

Well, maybe they do.

For most I guess only righteous superheroes matter.

And maybe thats why my allegiances stick firmly with Plastic Man.

Im a dope fiend!